Pretty Parseltongue Woman
by seriousblahblah
Summary: After Voldemort runs off to Cuba and forgets to pack his pet snake Nagini with him, Harry Potter is left taking care of one human snake animagus. But Nagini is nothing like he expected. And she has a lot to learn about the world because after growing up with Voldemort as a father, she doesn't really understand anything about dressing properly or acting normal. Pretty Woman.
1. Chapter 1

Harry and Nagini where she is human animagus. This is going to be silly as hell, I warn you.

 **~O~  
**

 **Pretty Parseltongue Woman**

 **[song: Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison]**

 **~o~**

The final battle had ended with Voldemort getting away, to go to live in exile in Cuba with Castro, and Harry Potter felt his body wrapped up by Nagini, Voldemort's evil snake who had been left behind. Because Voldemort, the great big idiot, forgot to pack his pet snake in his suitcases!

Plus, England was a cold climate for a snake, so Nagini needed something warm to wrap up to and after Neville had not killed her with his sword, she'd slithered towards Harry, asking the-boy-who-lived to spare her life and take care of her.

"Hey, let me go!"

"No, sssleep, little Wizzzard..."

"You work for Voldemort! I'm not taking a nap with you."

"Trussst in meee..."

"No, I don't trust in youuuuuu!"

"Harry quit being so mistrustful. I'm a cute little snake. Now obey me, you are tired..."

Harry yawned. It was true that fighting Voldemort and the Death Eaters all the time was exhausting, especially for a spindly, thin 17 year old.

"Okay, just one nap," he replied in parseltongue.

"Yesssssss," Nagini smiled widely and licked Harry's cheek with her poisonous tongue.

"Hey watch it!"

"Sorry, I forgot my tongue and fangs are poisonous." Nagini giggled. "My bad."

Harry gulped. "Just keep your tongue and kisses away from me, Nagini. No offence."

"None taken," Nagini said and began to apply some red lipstick to her face. "Hee hee, do you think I'm purty?"

Harry looked in disgust at Nagini's lipstick covered snake mouth and face. "Uhhh...sure...you are." He coughed.

"Yeah! I love you Harry Potter!" Nagini hissed happily.

"Hey, hey. Watch the tongue!"

"Oops, sorry, I forgot," Nagini giggled and slithered off Harry to her comfy anaconda bunkbed.

"Uh, Nagini, do you have a bunk bed mate?"

"T-threee actually: Ana the Anaconda, Barbra the Basilisk and little old me. We share the bed and I'm top bunk because snakes like the shared body heat."

"Well, I can keep you warm for tonight, but uh, I don't want to be here when your anaconda or basilisk friends come back."

"Sure! No problem! Let's go to a hotel!" Nagini switched back into her human form and was a beautiful, naked woman.

Harry's jaw dropped but then he remembered his manners and closed his jaw and cast his eyes downward to maintain her modesty and not look at her body. "Uhmm, Nagini,"

"Call me Gina," she said with a snakish, girlish lisp.

"Uh, right, Gina, let's just get you some clothes before we go to the Hotel..and you have to promise me you won't follow or work for Voldemort anymore."

"No problem!" Nagini laughed. "He was a boring bald guy anyways and very bossy. You are much nicer." She looped her arms around Harry's. "Let's go, we're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz!"

"Gina, that's a movie. Not a real wizard."

"Oops." She frowned sadly. "Scarecrow too?"

"Yes." Harry's eyes averted from her bare backside. "Uh, let's get you some of Hermione's clothes, I'm sure she wouldn't mind sharing."

"Oooh, bookgirl has good clothes."

"Yes, she's very fashionable and you can be too, Nagini."

Nagini tried to kiss Harry again. "You are my hero, Harry."

She tried to kiss him again on the cheek but Harry ducked out of the way. "By any chance, are your kisses still poisonous when you are in your human form, Nagini?"

"Dunno." Nagini pouted. "Want to try?"

"No. I'm good. At least, not without a bezoar on hand." Harry grinned. "Uh, let's go."

He had an embarrassing situation down below and tried to cover it with a pillow, but Nagini had already spotted it and laughed. "Harry, what's going on in your pants, why does there appear to be something pointing out of it?" She was very innocent.

Harry blushed. "Nevermind. We'll explain the birds and bees to you later. First clothes!"

He ordered Nagini to go into Hermione's room and pick up some of 'bookgirl's' clothes.

Nagini came out wearing a weird combination of flannel booty shorts and a tank top with sheep on it that said _"I'm shleepy"_.

"You couldn't find anything more, um, fitting?"

"Is this not good?"

Harry face palmed. Somebody needed to get Queer-Eye-for-the-snake-eye to give clueless Nagini fashion tips. This girl hadn't a clue how to dress.

Harry blushed again. "Uh, it's alright. But let's take you shopping for better clothes on Rodeo Drive."

"Ohh shopping trip!" Nagini jumped up and down in glee. "Yes, please Harry buy me something nice please!"

She was like a little girl in a candy shop. And Harry Potter was Richard Gere, with all the money and credit cards.

~o~

[prompts:

Day 63 pairing: it's up to you; Character: Harry Potter

Prompts: Harry Potter gets hypnotized by a snake and wrapped up in its coils

"Sssleep, little Wizzzard..."

parseltongue

"Trussst in meee..."

wand

snake coils

"Vipera evanesca!"]


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Rodeo Drive**

~O~

After they apparated, Nagini and Harry dashed through the streets of Rodeo Drive looking through all the stores and window shopping and deciding what they liked to wear.

Harry decided, since Voldemort was going to stay like a coward in Cuba, that he was going to take himself more seriously and dress in muggle tuxedos. As a political stance against Voldemort's antimuggle policies, and because Harry still felt like he won the war...since Voldemort ran away, at least temporarily.

"I should look cool, like a business man," Harry said as he flipped through a store full of Armani designer suits and they fitted him up. "After all, I have tons of investments and stocks since I inherited everything from my parents and Sirius. They'd want me to reinvest my galleons even more, and I can't just show up at Wizard Wall Street in my jeans and scruffy sneakers. The goblins would laugh me right out."

Nagini looked from the sides curiously as Harry tried on different jackets. She'd never been to a clothing store before, let alone one so fancy, because Voldemort had never taken her.

"What about me, Harry? What do you think I should wear?"

Harry grinned. "Well, not a suit from this store, that's for sure. What is your favourite colour, Nagini?"

Nagini thought for the longest time before her eyes lit up. "Pink! And green!"

"Okay," Harry chuckled. "Let's get your some dresses in pink and green."

Nagini hummed happily and they both walked out of the store, hand in hand.

Harry was feeling good because of the bright, sunny California weather, while Nagini was just enjoying being a free human girl after being Voldemort's pet snake for so long. She never really wanted to see that bald guy again.

Though Nagini couldn't understand why all the muggle people were looking at her, especially the men, like she'd grown two heads.

"Harry," Nagini asked, her stomach starting to drop with nerves."Why are all the muggles staring at me? Do I have something on my face?" She patted at her face nervously.

Harry smirked, his thin lips stretching into a cute smile. "Nagini, I didn't want to say this back in Hermione's room, but when you choose out some of Hermione's clothes, you actually chose some of her pyjamas...and well they're a bit skimpy, no offense." Harry cleared his throat and tried not to chuckle at Nagini's complete cluelessness.

"Arrgghhhh! Why didn't tell me, Harry Potter, that I'm wearing bookgirl's pyjamas! Now the muggles are all laughing at me! If Voldemort was here, he would crucio them!"

"Uhmm, Nagini, I'm not going to crucio or hurt any muggles, you do realize that, don't you?"

"Yesssss." But Nagini was still pouting and super grumpy that she'd made a faux paus fashion move and experienced fashion humiliation in the muggle world.

Harry tried to reassure her, however. "Don't worry, Nagini, once we get you new outfits, no one will be laughing at you, they will be stunned by your beauty and, er," Harry gulped nervously, remembering how pretty she had been when she was naked, "...er, your nice figure."

"You think I have a nice figure, Harry?" Nagini asked eagerly, her mood cheering up instantly.

"Yes, I do."

"Oh goody! I will dress slutty for you then, Harry!" Nagini said eagerly while running into the _Victoria's Secret_ store.

"Nagini! Wait! That's an underwear store, not a clothing store." Harry's face blushed again when he saw all the corsets and frilly thong underwear in the store. And bras with filling cups in them. "We have to get you proper clothes, we can't let you walk around looking like a street walker."

"What's a street walker?" Nagini asked while she tested out some frilly underwear on her head, thinking it was a hair band.

Harry blushed again and he pushed his glasses up his nose. "Uhm, again, we're really going to have to have that talk about the birds and bees, Voldemort really didn't teach you anything did he?"

"Nonsense!" Nagini said and tried on another frilly thong with flowers on her ear. "He taught me plenty! Like all about killing, crucioing and avada kedraving muggles! I know lots of magic!"

Harry coughed. "Uhm, right. I don't think those are the life skills you need to survive, Nagini. We're going to have to teach you a lot more." He grabbed the flowery underthong from her hair. "C'mon."

~O~

to be continued! :P and I may rewrite chapter 1 to be more serious if anyone wants to see the battle scene where nagini escapes from neville trying to kill her?


End file.
